


Feel For You

by starmirror



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Enthusiastic Consent, F/M, First Time, Hair Braiding, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Masturbation, Mutual Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-15
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2021-01-31 01:55:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21438268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starmirror/pseuds/starmirror
Summary: “Are you staying here until you sail again?” he asked. She knew what he really meant: will you stay with me? Am I still what you want?
Relationships: Kaz Brekker/Inej Ghafa
Comments: 4
Kudos: 285





	Feel For You

Once they had all retired to their rooms at the Van Eck mansion, Inej climbed out the window. She knew Kaz was one room over. Jesper had told her so, his voice heavy with double-meaning. She’d laughed, face red from the wine, and told him that he knew better than to stick his nose in Kaz’s business.

It was easy, even without her shoes and in a nightdress, to swing herself onto the ledge. The window to Kaz’s room was unlocked. It was dark, the lamp turned low. She almost dreamed that he was expecting her. Who else would enter through a window five stories up? Then again, Kaz was just as likely to lock the window to see if she could pick it. He’d often forced her to practice when she first joined the Dregs. She would wake up to a lock on her clothing trunk or the bread box or the door to her own room.

Kaz was sitting in the chair by the empty desk with his leg stretched out straight. His cane leaned against the wall next to him. He smiled as softly as his sharp face could manage, his angles even harsher with the shadows from the lamp. Inej stepped into the room soundlessly and perched on the end of the bed. Kaz’s eyes flickered across her legs, unusually exposed by the nightdress. It was white. At first, when Nina had offered it to her, Inej had recoiled. It was too gauzy, like a sacrificial gown worn in one of the plays.

“That’s all symbolic nonsense,” Nina had scoffed. She winked conspiratorially. “Because Kerch women wear white at their weddings.”

In the dark, a tiny voice in the back of Inej’s mind wondered if Kaz thought it looked bridal. Something warm coiled in her stomach.

Kaz pulled off his gloves, as he always did when they were alone. She wondered if he had locked the door.

“I didn’t expect you to stay,” she said. She thought he’d make his appearance after dinner and then leave before drinks, but he’d stayed through the piano recital for two glasses of whiskey. The remains of the second one was on the desk. He drained what was left and set the glass down.

His gaze shifted back to her face, focused and black. “You’re here,” he said, as if that was the answer to everything. She watched with rapt attention as his bare hand went through his hair. It was still longer on the top than on the sides.

“Can we try something new?” he asked. Inej took a deep steadying breath. This was what she wanted—what she had asked for from him. They had agreed to move slowly and so far, excepting a few kisses, they hadn’t had any intimate contact. She had asked him last time she was in Ketterdam if they were ready for more than that. She was ready. She nodded.

“Bring one of those pillows,” he said.

Inej gathered a pillow from the bed and crossed the room. Kaz gestured for her to sit and she balked, panic tightening in her throat.

“No, facing the wall,” he explained, pointing across the room. If she hadn’t known him better, she would think he was nervous.

Inej exhaled. She was just as anxious about not being able to look at him. She sat on the cushion and slid backwards, until she was pressed against the chair between his knees. It struck her that they were a mirror of that day in the bathroom when he had tried to kiss her, though that seemed a lifetime ago.

“Tell me what you need,” he said.

“Keep talking,” she replied. She focused on the sound of his voice and the way he smelled and everything that was Kaz about him. No man had ever sounded like Kaz. It was the easiest way to ground herself when they were alone together. It was something she appreciated their first stakeout together, when they’d had to lie side-by-side for the night, and memories of the men from the Menagerie, like the remains of her tattoo, were still an open wound.

“I’ve always liked your hair,” he said. He undid the end of her braid. “I’m glad you didn’t cut it while you were away.”

He unwound the stitches in the braid one by one until her hair was loose, falling in dark waves across her shoulders and down her back. He began pulling apart the tangles gently.

“Are you alright?”

“Yes,” Inej replied. She leaned in to his hands. “This is nice. No one has ever done this for me.”

She did feel relaxed, far more than she expected. She almost forgot to be nervous. Kaz was moving across her head in repetitive, careful motions. His fingertips grazed her scalp and she let out a small noise. He stopped.

“You can keep going,” she said. “If you want.”

He did, but it was even slower than before. She closed her eyes, imagining the look of concentration on his face. It made her smile.

“Are you staying here until you sail again?” he asked. She knew what he really meant: _will you stay with me? Am I still what you want? _

“Yes,” Inej replied. She leaned into his hands and the warmth radiating from his body. She had missed him for the months at sea. It hit her all at once in a wave of desire and intimacy. Their time together had always been brief interludes, both of them working up the courage to touch each other, wondering if they could. Kaz had done everything she’d asked of him and more.

“I used to dream about this,” Kaz admitted.

Her hair was smooth again and his fingers moved through easily. “What do you dream of now?”

“Touching you. And not being afraid.”

Inej turned to look at him, careful not to brush against his legs. “What are you afraid of?”

Kaz’s mouth tightened and that flinty, familiar Dirtyhands expression flashed across his face. “I’m afraid I’ll never be able to... that it might be a just punishment from your Gods.”

Inej stood to look him in the eye, her chin raised defiantly. “I’ve never seen you back down from something you wanted.”

“It isn’t just what I want, Inej. I don’t want to hurt you.” His eyes flickered across the scar on her arm. She stepped closer, her hand lingering beside his on the arm of the chair.

“Kaz, we will hurt. That is the way of life. All we can do is learn to be better. Mati en sheva yelu. This action will have no echo.” She brushed her fingertips across the back of his hand. There was still a shiny scar there just below his knuckles. He shocked her by grabbing on, sliding their palms against each other and entwining their fingers.

“I know you care for me,” she continued. “I know you know exactly what I mean when I say I don’t want to be touched. And that is why I trust you. I ask you now to trust in me.”

Kaz swallowed and she watched the line of his throat. It was unusually exposed by his unbuttoned shirt. She remembered the way his lips had pressed against the curve of her shoulder and she imagined what it would be like to kiss him there.

He stood, their hands still entwined. Inej forgot sometimes how much bigger he was than her, though he wasn’t an especially large man. It was strange to see him suddenly look more like a man, his shoulders broader and the faint shadow of a beard on his face. He had changed while she was away—they all had. Suddenly none of the boys were boys anymore. It almost made her regret leaving for so long.

“Are you going to stay?” he asked. She stared at him blankly, so he said: “In this room, tonight.”

Inej opened and closed her mouth. She hadn’t considered it, assuming that Kaz wanted privacy.

“They’ll all know,” she said finally. She was sure one of the others would check her empty room before sunrise.

Kaz shrugged. “Let them. Everyone knows my heart belongs to you.”

She rolled her eyes. “So dramatic.”

“Isn’t that what you like about me?” Kaz asked, his light tone disguising the serious nature of his question. Inej stepped closer, the hem of her dress brushing against his trousers.

“It’s on the list,” she replied.

Kaz returned her smile, squeezed her hand, and let go so that he could go to the bathroom to change. She knew his night time routine as well as she knew anything about him. For years they lived in perfect synchronized step, almost within arms’ reach, but never touching. Inej stared at the bed. It seemed smaller and more intimidating. Sitting on the bed and lying down were two different things. She tossed the heavy blanket and most of the pillows on the floor.

“Too hot?” Kaz asked when he returned. He was wearing a soft dark shirt and loose pants that were slightly too long. She guessed they belonged to Jesper. The edges of his hair looked damp and some of it fell forward, out of the harsh slicked back style he kept it in. Her breath caught in her throat.

“No,” she replied. “I don’t like feeling trapped.”

Kaz only smiled. “Me either.”

Relief soared through her. As she slipped beneath the sheets, it occurred to her that she hadn’t been in a proper bed with a man since the Menagerie. But the bedding was soft and white, nothing like silk, and Kaz was not just a man. If he was brave enough to try, so was she.

Inej rolled on to her side, propping her head up with her elbow. Kaz was lying flat on his back with his hands folded over his stomach. She whispered his name and he turned to look at her, his eyes perfectly dark.

“What happens in your dreams?” she asked. “When you dream about me.”

“Good dreams? You’re happy and safe. And sometimes it’s only that we can be together and I can touch you the way …”

He trailed off. Inej laid her hand, palm up, between them. Kaz traced her life line with a feather-light touch.

“Is this what you want?” he asked. “I don’t want you to vanish.”

“Yes,” Inej replied. She shifted forward and he inhaled sharply. “Is this what you want?”

“More than anything,” he said, his voice even rougher than usual.

“Then I think you should touch me,” Inej said.

A look flashed across his face that she had never seen before, as if he could not believe it was real. It was quickly replaced by cool determination. His hand shook over her shoulder before he pressed his fingertips to the place he had kissed her, all that time ago. He trailed over her clothes, down her arm to her waist and laid his hand across her hip. He looked up at her with uncertainty.

“I’d like to kiss you,” she said softly. He nodded, so she leaned over him, her hair falling in a dark curtain. She pressed her lips lightly against his and broke away when she felt his hand tighten.

Inej drew in a long breath. “This is the first time I…” she trailed off, unable to find the right words when he was looking at her so intently. “I’ve never wanted…”

“I wish I could give you everything you want,” Kaz said.

“You are what I want,” she replied. He kissed her, more firmly and more urgently, his hand sliding low across her back. He pulled her close so that her knee slid between his and she braced her hands on either side of his head.

“Do you want to stop?” she asked.

His hands slid up her ribcage to the underside of her breast. “Do you?” he asked instead of replying. Her breath hitched. He was still touching her over her clothes and Inej believed that was why he seemed so comfortable. They had been experimenting for nearly two years with touching over clothes or in less intimate ways.

“I don’t think I can touch you the way I would like, tonight,” he said. “But if you’d like to… I’d like to watch.”

He brushed a piece of her hair behind her ear. Inej had not touched herself often, especially not in the years at the Menagerie. While she’d been away at sea, she had tried once or twice, hoping it would help her relax and sate the desires at the back of her mind. It hadn’t always worked. At first, it had been difficult and fraught with memories of pain, but perhaps with Kaz, it wouldn’t be. If he was there, grounding her, Inej imagined herself being able to enjoy it.

“Okay,” she said finally.

He gripped her wrist as she rolled on to her back. “Stop if you feel like you’re going to vanish,” he ordered her, “Promise me.”

Inej nodded, her throat suddenly dry. _I love you_, she thought. _I only want this with you_.

She lifted the nightdress up, pulling it up to her waist. Kaz slid one of the straps down her shoulder and she let it fall open. She expected to feel self conscious but Kaz stared at her like she was a miracle made flesh. She traced the path of his fingers across her breasts and her stomach and then went further down between her legs. She was surprised by how wet she was. She slicked her fingers and began making sharp circles around her clit.

Kaz was mesmerized. He had that look in his eyes when he saw a new card trick—never awestruck, always calculating the ways it could be done.

Inej felt warmth coil in her stomach and her heart squeezed. “Talk to me, please,” she whispered.

Kaz leaned towards her, his fingertips brushing her collarbone. “You are so beautiful, Inej—”

She pulled him closer and his hand pressed down on her hand as she made one final motion and she came with a gasp against his mouth. Distantly, Inej was aware that this was how it should always have felt. She was filled with languid joy as Kaz brushed her hair away from her face.

“Nina picked this out, didn’t she?” Kaz said, his fingers skimming the edge of the dress. “She probably thought it was ironic.”

“She told me Kerch brides wear white,” Inej answered. “Why isn’t it ironic?”

“They do,” Kaz agreed. “Nina thinks that I’ll never marry you and she’s been giving me all kinds of unsubtle hints about it.”

“You as much told her that. You always said wives and families were weaknesses for a Barrel boss.”

“For others, maybe. But I’m Kaz Brekker. And I pity the man who would cross the Wraith,” he said. He studied her face, his expression growing more serious, before he continued: “If that is what you want. I can’t offer any more than this life—now and maybe forever. I’d say you deserve better, but I know it is your choice.” 

Inej smiled fondly at him. Hadn’t he always believed she was dangerous? “Suli brides wear red.”

“We’ll have to do this again, then.”

“We’ll have to have a real ceremony.”

“With rings?”

“No rings,” she said, half serious. “Too dangerous for an acrobat.”

“We’ll Fabrikate one,” Kaz replied immediately. Her heart swelled at how attached he was to the idea. At the same time, she was annoyed by his insistence. Not everything needed to be a production.

“Why don’t you pay someone to paint it all over town: INEJ GHAFA IS MY WIFE?”

“Inej, darling, treasure of my heart,” he said in a withering voice, “Everyone will know that.”

She laughed and laughed until her stomach hurt and when they fell asleep, their fingertips brushing, she could not remember ever being so happy.


End file.
